Happy F*cking Birthday

“My parents died when I was 7…”

It’s easier to say that compared to say the truth that they separated and left me from one relative after another while they’re banging different people and living their best lives

When I turned 13 my Grandma said I was too young to understand, that it’ll get easier when I turn older

When I turned 20 my Aunt said I need to understand and forgive my parents and that’s the only time that life will be easier

But I’m 27 now, still waiting for that moment that it’ll be easier…

Easier to forgive 

Easier to forget

Easier to love

Easier to heal

How can you forgive someone who should’ve taught you how to love, but broke your heart instead?

How can you forget the pain that two of the most important people in your life have caused

How can you love another person when no one really loved you unconditionally? 

How can you heal when they still constantly break your heart and rip it open over and over again until there’s nothing left

And who in the fucking world would make their Wedding Anniversary date be the same as their daughter’s birthday and not plan on fighting to work it out and be together? You both really ruin it every fucking year for me.

Mom & Pops thanks for giving me this life, now take it back.

Playing with Death

Peace feels like boredom to me

My room an illusion of safety

The devil dances silently with my shadow

Do I want to be saved from this lovely meadow?

Cheating death with science

A game that we play with God in defiance

An endless parade of faces

I’ll find you in both holy & unholy places

If we are fated

Maybe we will meet before I am taken

Release The Kraken: Part 1

Me: Finally realizes my worth and dumped the sad fuck boy that doesn’t want a committed relationship.

Them: You have daddy issues.

Also them: Have a Father that still gives them a monthly allowance even if they’re 25-27 years old already. Or still lives in their parents’ house. Or still pays for their grad school or whatever fucking change of career that they want to do. Ohh and also a Father that pays for their partying and alcohol/smoking spree. 

If I have a Father who loves me and pays for every goddamn expense I have then I would also have a GREAT relationship with him like you for sure! But my Father chose his new wife over me and kicked me out of his house. I had no choice but to support myself and stand up on my own. So I’m soooo SORRY if I don’t have a great and happy relationship with my Dad.

Never comment on someone else’s relationship with their parents if your only basis is your healthy relationship with your own parents who are loving to you. 

Never say ‘but he’s your dad, but she’s your mom. Fix your relationship with them’ when you never felt abandoned by your own parents at an early age of 6 years old and they’re still taking care of your own shit even if you’re already 25 fucking years old.

Were you physically & emotionally abused by both your mom and dad?

Were you given to relatives when you were young cos your parents wants to live their lives and not take any responsibility for their child?

If your answers are, ‘no’ then shut the fuck up.

Come back to me and say that I have daddy issues when you can support yourself emotionally, mentally, and FINANCIALLY without the help of your daddy *mic drop bitch*

Reality check: my relationships/situation-shits didn’t work not because I don’t have a fucking ‘great relationship’ with my father. It’s because they’re all fucking cheaters or people who aren’t capable of being in a monogamous committed relationship. Don’t judge a book by its cover when you’re too fucking lazy to read the whole damn book.

The difference between you and me is that I know I have issues (and I’m working on them) and I don’t pretend like a fucking pick me girl.

Side note: My therapist told me to open up more about what I was feeling at the moment and to avoid bottling up my feelings. So I’ll be having these posts that are not poems but more of roasting people that I despise (It’ll still have some kind of structure so that it won’t look like me just ranting 😅)

Twin Flame

When God permits our souls to meet…

I want to wake up with you in our home, in the bed that we share

I want to walk with you hand in hand in the streets so that everyone knows that you are mine and I am yours

I don’t want to give half of myself but to be able to give you all of me

I don’t want to be afraid of loving you 

I don’t want to be afraid of being loved by you

This time there will be no walls

This time I will not hold back

I know there’s no such thing as forever and ever but I want to spend my eternity with you and only you…

I want to believe that you are out there, maybe wandering like myself

I want to have hope that one day we will finally meet 

But until then, I will write love letters for you to read soon…

Hopeful Romantic

I’ll fall in love when I’m ready

Even if all my friends have relationships that are steady

I’ll fall in love when I’m ready

Not when I’m just feeling alone and lonely

I’ll fall in love when I’m ready

Not when I just feel lustful to another Timmy 

I’ll fall in love when I’m ready

Not when I’m pressured by society

I promise I’ll fall in love again

To a one woman man

I promise I’ll fall in love again

After I heal and there’s no trace of pain

I promise I’ll fall in love again

To that one person who deserves to be loved as much as he loves by then

I promise I’ll fall in love again

And this time it’s going to be worth it, my friend

Live Today

I still feel empty

Even if I’ve achieved plenty…

What really is my purpose?

I sometimes feel worthless

I want to fall in love with life again

I don’t want to pretend…

That success will end,

This misery that does not mend

When will this chase stop?

Everyone just wants to be on top

I want to live each day

To hear music that I can play

To dance in the rain

To walk and sway

To kiss someone’s tears away

To be present today

Inspired by the Pixar movie Soul

I’ll Forget About You

There was a time that I thought you were The One

I’ve never felt that in a very long time with anyone

I imagined we were in a cottage house with your dog and my cat

I don’t want to erase that thought yet… maybe I’ll leave it like that

So I stayed… even if you still belonged with your past

I didn’t want to leave, I even want us to last

And even if you’re still holding on to someone that you met before me

I shrugged it off, I still believed that you love me

I really hope it be…

I’m sorry that I expected too much

With things that I can see but cannot touch

I’m sorry to leave you

If only you knew…

These feelings and words that I have for you

I’ll forget about it soon and forgive what you do

But I’m not sorry for choosing me

We were never meant to be.

This Place

I always come back to this place

I always want to go back and trace

The memories and people that I once chased and embraced

The people that I hate and love that are always in my headspace

People that I once trusted but turned out was a disgrace

People are predictable and disappointing and that’s a fact I’ll have to face

Little Girl in a Cage

I hid this little girl in a cage to keep her safe

Safe from all the monsters that’s inside of me

These monsters were named depression and anxiety

I don’t want these monsters to scare off this little girl who has so much joy, so much love, and so much hope

So I hid her in a cage to protect her, to keep her safe

Safe from all the people that may just hurt her

I don’t want these people to leave a dent in her heart with sadness, disappointment, and anger

I told her to hide, to always keep a distance I told her to always keep her walls up

I told her to not give her all to anyone

Now I am looking at this little girl, she is all alone. She’s not the same little girl anymore… because now she is scared all the time.

She doesn’t know how to be happy nor how to love fully…

I’m sorry…

I should’ve let you be…

Let you be sad

Let you be disappointed 

Let you be angry

Let you be hurt

Let you give your all to someone.

I hope it’s not too late, but I am setting you free. Please allow yourself to be free… There are still monsters. There are still people who can hurt you. 

But I want you to live, to feel, and to love.